Tamales: Breakfast for Champions

This morning my host mother served me tamales for breakfast. I think I almost cried, I think I would have if I didn’t remind myself that I was 25 years old. I really don’t like tamales. I thought I did, but I realized really fast the night before when they were having them for dinner that I would not like them. I didn’t eat dinner with my family that night because I had eaten an earlier dinner in Antigua. I remember doing a little jig in my head knowing that I was able to skip out on tamale night. Well tamales are served for breakfast apparently. I remember sitting at the table watching my host sister and her son eat a heaping bowl of cornflakes and milk thinking, yes, this is exactly how I wanted to start my morning, and then I saw banana leaves in the background slowly springing up around my host mother as she prepared my breakfast. I said a silent prayer. I closed my eyes. I felt a little nauseous. When I stopped nervously dropping my Lipton tea bag in and out of my coffee cup I saw my host mother come over with a big bowl of tamales. I think I vomited in my mouth a little. I kept thinking how in the hell am I going to be able to get out of this one. Maybe if I squish it around a bunch it will look like I ate a lot. No, it only drew attention to the fact that I was playing with my food. What if I slowly dropped it on the floor so either the cat or the dogs could eat? Nope, they were nowhere to be found. So I took a few deep breaths and pretended I was eating cornflakes with milk. Cornflakes with milk, cornflakes with milk, cornflakes with corn, cornflakes with tomato sauce, milk with corn, milk with cornflakes warm corn and tomato sauce, tamales. No use, nothing could mask the fact that I was eating tamales. I knew there was no way I could finish my “breakfast” so I took the risk of waiting until my host mom saw that I wasn’t eating. Fortunately she was holding her 9 month old grandchild. Thank God for babies. This baby could be crying, vomiting and pooping all over her and she would still be as happy as a lark. The funny thing was the baby did poop and let out a massive fart, but it wasn’t all over my host mother, thankfully, then I for sure would have vomited. My host mother was in a good mood, score, well, she’s always in a good mood, but the last thing I wanted to do was insult her food and not eat it. I felt like I was on American Gladiators and I was just about to face the “gauntlet”. How would I explain to her that I didn’t like her food without actually saying I didn’t like it? What Would Uncle Jesse Do? So I sat there like I was punished for not finishing my food, but this time I wish it were broccoli. Eventually my host mom noticed and asked if I liked my tamales. I started to kick my shoes off, I stared at all the dancing flies on the table that were eating the cornflakes I wanted to eat in the first place that were left over from my host family, and I blurted out that my stomach hurt. I suck. But seriously, I would not have been able to eat tamales for breakfast. I told her I was sorry and I love her food but my stomach was not feeling well. I felt guilty, so I sat there awkwardly, like a dog with its tail between its legs. I gave my food a proper burial. I placed a napkin over my plate. There are a few uses for napkins here. Mostly they are used to block the millions of flies that parade the air and the other is to wrap food. Placing the napkin over the plate let my host mother know that someone else could eat it. She took my plate, opened a cupboard and added some other “leftovers”. This scared me a bit, someone would be eating my unwanted tamales and they would be stored in the cupboard. I decided to get up from the table while I had the chance, I thanked her and apologized again and then I found refuge in my room. My only hope is that would be the last round I would have to fight with tamales, but that would be like saying Guatemalan’s don’t like corn. I’m going to have to build a tolerance for tamales fast because there is not always going to be a baby around and my family already thinks I have too much diarrhea, only time will tell.